Friday, 4 February 2011

Post Derelict Satellite Suncreen

Overheard in the caravan:

Chairman: “I hear they’re creating a garden of remembrance for Jo Yeates. Seems any bugger dies and there’s a need to have some mawkish public memorial – headstones are just not enough these days. Won't be long before the whole country's covered in the damned things. Will you create a garden of remembrance for me when I kick the bucket?”

Hay: “No, I prefer to forget.”

Now for the news:

Sunscreen Causes Rickets

High factor sunscreen can block out essential vitamin D, leading to rickets and all manner of scrofulant 19th century diseases we thought we’d eradicated from everywhere except Tottenham, Daily Mail ‘experts’ say.

This story came to our notice after British 12-year-old, Tyler Attril, was found to be suffering from vitamin D deficiency following her mother having encased her in factor 50 sunscreen since birth. This is a particularly sad story, as the UK gets less sunshine than a cavern and we’re more in need of rain factor 50.

The child’s forename alone – we cannot describe it as a Christian name without contravening the Trades Description Act - suggests that this is no normal 12 year-old, but one has been fed a diet of pizzas, Big Macs, sweets and X-Factor, rather than fresh oily fish, meat, eggs (essential sources of vitamin D) and exercise and gets less sun than a photophobic vampire.

Our resident expert, Dr Wigmore Hall, says: “Using factor 50 sunscreen is like covering yourself in a burqa, but without the eye slit and the risk of chemicals poisoning you. The best sunscreen is what we experts call a hat and a shirt; no chemicals to absorb through the skin, no questions about whether they work.”

Hat and shirt - sunscreen that works

Old Sodbury’s Latest Derelict Shopping Precinct Nears Completion

The building of Old Sodbury’s derelict shopping precinct is in its final stages of completion. It was decided early on in the planning phase to save time by designing it in the post-derelict style.

Post Derelict?

Carnegie Hall, Professor of Urban Decrepitude at Redbrick Poly, commented: “I particularly like the pre-boarded up windows. The only items missing from the construction itself are the solitary pizza outlet or chip shop and the obligatory skate park.”

A team of graffiti artists is on standby to provide the final stamp of nuanced authenticity. Banksy has been retained as artistic advisor.

Football’s Golden Egg Cooked

A preliminary ruling that it is perfectly legal to buy satellite football coverage from any old country in the EU will mean footballers will have to turn back the clock and live sad and sordid lives – just like the rest of us, says some fat, misogynist football commentator.

Lack of TV money will mean hundreds of premiership footballers providing a much needed stimulus to the moribund housing market as they seek out semi detached houses in run-down areas and second jobs as miners or Subbuteo models.

A part-time miner

The bursting of the Sky satellite football money bubble is likely to mean that the whole football transfer market will undergo a much needed readjustment, with Fernando Torres probably being reduced in worth to 50 Green Shield stamps and a ticket to watch England (the cricket team).

It is believed that language schools in the UK are being inundated with enquiries about Greek language courses.

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