Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Talented Big Society Business Model

Five News Hires Unparalleled Talent

Former GMTV presenter, Emma Crosby, is to replace the £1m a year newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky on Five news. She will read the 19:00 bulletin. Her old university friend, Matt Barbet, will front the 17:00 edition.

"I'm thrilled we have signed two of the brightest talents in the business to front our news programmes," said Five's news editor David Kermode.

Our lexicography editor has established that talent, in this case, is defined as reasonably symmetrical, not too old and having the ability to read. However, if is indeed the true definition of talent at Five, then it doesn’t really say much for the rest of the network’s staff. Writs may follow legal consultation by the other staff members.

Our editor of political thingumies, Colston Hall, comments: “Successive governments’ focus on getting the population literate means that at least 98% of the population satisfies the last criterion. Even David Beckham satisfies it - although perhaps not….”

Research by male cosmetics company Gunk has determined that female TV presenters become inexplicably, instantaneously and irredeemably talentless once they reach 50. Although following a recent spate of successful age discrimination cases against the BBC, the networks seem to be in an arms race to recall the most decrepit female TV presenter from the crypt.

PM Fails to Define Benefit of His Big Society

The PM, David Cameron, has spectacularly failed to define the benefits the UK public is to derive from his vision of a Big Society.

Professor Albert Hall. Emeritus professor of sums and business things at Redbrick Poly commented: “Low-cost airlines have successfully vied to strip away added-value and costly service elements in order to lower their prices. Basically it’s a trade off and the customer loves it.

“Cameron’s Big Society approach, however, appears to be to strip away costly services by handing them to the public to run, and then charging the public more through increased taxes. This just doesn’t stack up. I would award David Cameron a D minus in business studies and marketing.”

Chelsea FC Redefines Business Model

Chelsea football club reports a loss of £70.9m in the year to the end of June 2010 - despite winning the Premier League and FA Cup. The club's overall loss was greater than the £44.4m seen the previous season but some way short of the record £140m loss announced by Chelsea in 2004/2005.

The normal rules of business would dictate that the directors should be lining up on high buildings and jostling for a prime jumping off spot; however, Chelsea’s totally irrational response to this was to purchase some Spaniard from Liverpool FC for the knock-down sum of £50m.

Our business editor wonders whether this could this herald the end of the use of UK football clubs as a tax deductible expense for the Russian oil and gas business?

Crime Site Pinpoints Old Sodbury as Crime Central

The new Home Office website,, which shows the most crime ridden and lawless areas of the UK, frightens old people and devastates house prices, has shown Old Sodbury to be the epicentre of blogging satire and thought crime.

Strangely enough, when used by this reporter, the website was unable to locate London, Liverpool or Manchester as being in any policing area, which probably explains a lot.


  1. Most computer monitors don't have enough pixels to show crime for London, Manchester or Liverpool; we'll have to wait for ultra high definition to see that.

  2. That Albert Hall chap is one insightful commentator. Let's have more from him.