Thursday, 10 February 2011

Oxbridge Phone Banking Justice for Police

UK Banks to Lend You Your Money

In a radical departure from its long established business model, the UK’s banking sector is set to lend money to people.

Until now the normal practice has been one of gambling your money on what are called toxic assets and then forcing countries’ treasury departments to bail them out once everything goes tits-up, claiming they are too big to fail.

This old business model has heretofore been a hugely profitable enterprise for banks, enabling their directors to pay themselves large bonuses equivalent to a lifetime salary for the average worker, and having no adverse effect other than on the tax payer.

The friendly face of banking

UK Justice System Run by America

The UK Supreme Court cannot operate independently, it has emerged, as it is funded by a clandestine organisation called The Department of Justice, which sounds suspiciously American, as does the name Supreme Court itself.

Set up in 2009, the Supreme Court replaced the more British sounding Law Lords, who performed exactly the same function.

This has fuelled suspicion that the British justice system has been outsourced to the USA as part of a cost-cutting exercise.

Justice outsourced?

As Expected, Oxford and Cambridge Set Maximum Fees

Oxford and Cambridge Universities have decided to set their tuition fees at the maximum level of £9,000. It is thought the reason for this is because of a complex argument that says they can.

Clayhanger Hall, Professor of Applied Spending at Redbrick Poly told us: “Universities can charge up to £9,000 under exceptional circumstances. These exceptional circumstances include being a place there everyone is called Don and maintaining a film set for police dramas and spy novel adaptations.”

Faced with such impeccable logic, we had to agree.

Police drama backdrops are costly to run

Police Cutbacks Affect Crime Clear-Up Rate

Police in Lancashire have solved a 1975 murder, 3 years after the perpetrator died.

A timescale of 35 years to solve a murder is a dramatic improvement on Victorian murder crimes, where the CPS is still waiting for evidence to prosecute Jack the Ripper.

Our crime correspondent, Jack the Ripper, comments: “At this frenetic pace of improvement, it is estimated that murders will be solved within the lifetime of the perpetrator by around 2060.”

Jack the Ripper - breakthrough expected soon

Nokia Must Sell Useless Crap Too, Warns New Boss

Stephen Elop has warned Nokia staff that they must stop producing reliable phones that work and emulate Apple and Google’s success at selling crap that looks nice, doesn’t work, can’t pick up a signal and requires several visits to the phone shop before it can be used just to take a picture.

Google’s Android operating system and Apple’s iPhone are cornering the market among shallow people who like boasting about how much they paid for the latest, shiny, heap of junk they purchased - and for which the nearest crack addict will knife them with a screwdriver.

Real phones for real men with dodgy hair

Eric Clapton Milks Guitar Riff to Excess

It is good though, and he knew it. If you can't watch the whole track, jump to 1m 33s for the first riff and 3m54s for the 2nd. Steve Gadd is brilliant on the drums too.

Must win the prize for the most random lyrics - as well as title.


  1. WoW, for a moment there, Chairman Bill I thought I was reading a poke at real life then I realised it was for real.. :-) I'm glad I don't buy into up-dating my phone every second. Mine does exactly what it says on the box. It's a phone, nothing more nothing less.

    I shall be back for more...
    P.s I'm not very good at arguments I always win! :-)

  2. The Lancashire crime solving story was even better than you suggested : not only did they solve it three years after he died, but - according to Look North last night - "police finally solved the case three years after he confessed!"