Thursday, 24 February 2011

Sauron Mediates Blyton's Heavy Mobile

Gaddafi Clearly Deranged - Declares Led Zep ‘Heavy Rock’ Band

Rock impresario and part-time dictator, Colonel Gaddafi, has stunned the world of popular music by declaring Led Zeppelin to be a heavy rock band, thus confirming his deranged state of mind and seeding doubts as to whether he originated from an M-Class planet.

Music experts the world over have maintained for decades that the legendary and influential band, who disbanded over 30 years ago on the death of drummer John Bonham, defy attempts to be pigeonholed into any specific genre.

Gaddafi went on to threaten Led Zep tribute bands with instant death by air-strikes, which paradoxically made him sound reasonably sane.

Insane dress sense, but very Purple Haze

Divorcing Couples to Endure Another 5 Minutes Together

Divorcing couples will be forced to endure the excruciating pain of a session with disinterested prats from the family mediation services before they are allowed to go to court to trash each other, the government is announcing.

Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly – who is obviously one of those ghastly immigrants the Daily Mail was on about the other day - said mediation was "a quicker, cheaper and more amicable alternative to the over-worked family courts”. Who is he trying to kid?

Divorcing couples interviewed for this channel suggested that a couple of guns and 50 paces at dawn would be a cheaper, quicker and more effective alternative.

Colonel Gaddafi interjected by saying the courts could be saved a lot of time - and coulples a lot of money - by the introduction of the eminently sensible Sunni practice of the triple ‘talaq’, which allows a husband to end a relationship by saying ‘I divorce you’ three times. The madman added: “I doubt whether Daly Mail readers would agree with a sensible idea suggested by a certified madman – although, on the other hand….”

Cheaper alternative?

New Zealanders Blame Sauron

Some New Age New Zealanders are blaming Sauron, servant of Morgoth and Lord of Mordor, for the earthquake that struck Middle Earth earlier this week.

They are believed to be in contact with Sir Ian McKellen and are negotiating with him to cast protective spells and recruit a division of commando dwarves and SAS elves to create a ring of mithril around Mordor to prevent Sauron attacking again.

Sauron is believed to be assisted by Orcs for Aukland.

Adverts have also been placed in the Christchurch Advertiser for some Halflings to undertake a suicide mission to Mount Doom. The job spec stipulates previous experience with Ring Wraiths.

One lembas short of a picnic?

Mobile Phones Make You Annoying, Research Confirms

A study by the National Institutes of Health in the US suggests that mobile phones could have an effect on the brain.

The research suggests that repeated use of mobile phones makes you talk unbearably loudly on trains about fictitious business deals to imaginary contacts, as well as giving you an uncontrollable addiction to upgrading to the newest specification phone every five minutes.

Children, do not do this at home - this man is a fully trained clown.

Lost Enid Blyton Book Unearthed

Publishers cannot understand why the lost Enid Blyton book, recently discovered in a collection of manuscripts, was never published by the famous children’s author.

“Five Lose it in a Warehouse” would have been an instant best seller, they maintain, although it may not have resounded with her traditional readership, who are currently more into the bloodthirsty Call of Duty – Black Ops.

A good film script, perhaps?


  1. Whilst reading your excellent epistle today, I couldn't help noticing the similarity between your new profile photo and the photograph of Colonel Gadaffi. If you print the photo off in purple and white instead of black and white you will clearly see what I mean. Is there something you are not telling us about?

  2. Alan: If you don't want an airstrike on Huddersfield, I'd keep quiet about that, if I were you.

  3. Colonel Gadaffi has had plastic surgery *sniggers*